


Stars in Your Eyes

by LuthienThalia



Series: The Stars We See [2]
Category: Black Widow - Fandom, Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), MCU, Marvel, Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Winter Soldier - Fandom
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-30
Updated: 2016-02-27
Packaged: 2018-05-10 10:52:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5583097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LuthienThalia/pseuds/LuthienThalia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Events of Stars in Our Eyes, only from Steve's pov.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Steve sighed as he walked down the overly familiar corridor. It’s a Wednesday, which means he’s on his way to his weekly therapy session. His mind was pulled by a thread of memory and he let the memory take the forefront.

_It’s 2011 and he’s only a few days out of the ice when the SHIELD agents assigned as his “escorts” take him down yet another unfamiliar hallway. They pass rooms that look like offices, but at this point Steve doesn’t know what to expect to be the same and what’s going to be different. They stop at a random door and open the door, motioning for Steve to enter, and then close him inside alone. He waits for all of a minute, cataloging his surroundings, before someone else enters the room. She stops short, apparently not expecting him to be standing still, and then moves further into the room. The woman turns when she reaches a set of chairs and sticks her hand out towards Steve._

_“Captain Rogers, my name is Dr. Belle. I’m a psychologist; I was contacted by SHIELD to provide counseling and readjustment services to you as needed. Usually the agents would use someone on the SHIELD payroll, but Director Fury decided to outsource since he felt that you would refuse to talk to someone who answered to him.”_

_Steve stared at her, feeling rude yet justified in his disbelief._

_“Fury thinks I need a shrink? You can tell him no thanks.”_

_Dr. Belle crossed her arms and looked at Steve disapprovingly._

_“Captain Rogers, I understand not feeling like you would need counseling. In fact, many of our men and women in the service have said similar to me when they come to me for court ordered counseling. However, I will not allow you to insult my profession with that language. There is absolutely nothing wrong with counseling, as we have learned over the years, and there have been many studies that prove soldiers are the largest portion of our citizens who need counseling the most. Indeed, some have even suggested that many of our homeless veterans, especially after World War II, could have avoided such a fate if they had only undergone counseling.” Dr. Belle shifted on her feet then held out a hand towards the chair opposite her. “I know only the smallest bit of your circumstances, that you were a soldier, and I used to work with Bruce Banner for a small time after his unfortunate failed experiment. You don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to. We don’t have to go very deep into your service or even talk about it at all. We’ll only talk about what you choose, even if we just sit here in silence for an hour. Now, then. Would you kindly sit?”_

_Steve sat, grudgingly. He refused to look at her and left without a backwards glance once the agents came to collect him._

Steve shook his head, clearing away the vestiges of the memory. The next appointment, a few days later, he had yelled at the doctor. Accusing her of being nothing more than a monkey dancing for SHIELD, among other things. The next two appointments he started testing the doctor. He would say outlandish things, just to see how she would react. Then the Battle of New York happened and as much as Steve wanted to believe that he could deal with his problems on his own, he knew he would need help wrapping his head around aliens and SHIELD’s repurposing of old HYDRA tech.

So he started giving the doctor bits and pieces of information. Just enough that if it made it back to Fury, he’d know that the info had been leaked. It took half a year before Steve finally trusted Dr. Belle enough to actually talk about himself in any capacity outside of SHIELD and SHIELD missions. It’s been two years now and Steve actually finds himself looking forward to seeing Dr. Belle now. He’s talked about how he’s been adjusting to the new century (Increasingly better. Although at the beginning he was pretty much always pissed off, now he’s just pissed off most of the time). He’s only briefly touched on his life before the ice.

But for this appointment, things are going to be very different. This past month and a half he was unable to see Dr. Belle due to the events at the Triskelion. Now that he was healed, he had a lot that he needed to talk about. He wasn’t even sure that an hour was going to be long enough. Maybe Dr. Belle would allow him to schedule an additional appointment in between his usual times. Steve pushed in through the door to Dr. Belle’s office and took his seat as she finished her paperwork from her previous patient. He waited for her to move from her desk to the chair opposite him, playing with the magazines and other items on the low table between the chairs.

“Steve, it’s been awhile. How are you feeling?” Dr. Belle sat down across from Steve, pad of paper and pen in hand. “Please, feel free to start wherever you feel like starting.”

Steve took a deep breath. He didn’t know where to start other than the beginning, the very beginning.

“Everyone knows that ‘Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes, friends since childhood, were inseparable.’ Everyone knows the story of how I followed Bucky, my best friend, overseas and into battle. What no one knows is how much I owe Bucky. No one knows Bucky’s true story.” Steve took a deep breath and clasped his hands in front of him. “Bucky’s real name is Jane Bernadette Barnes and we’ve been in love since she first saved me from a schoolyard bully. Jane was never a guy. She, she took care of me for so long. I owe her everything and I can’t even tell the world how much she means to me.”

Steve paused, using breathing exercises to help calm himself down enough to finish. He finds that he can’t look at Dr. Belle; he’s too scared to see her reaction. Eventually he’s calm enough to speak again.

“Bucky, she always preferred her nickname to Jane. She was always by my side. Even when the doctors brought in the priest to read my last rites, especially then. Bucky was like my shadow; she was my equal. She could do the things that I wanted to do and I, I don’t know what I gave her in return but I’m thankful that she stayed by me all those years. Eventually we grew up and Bucky, she still finished my fights for me. She got a job at the docks by dressing up like a guy. I don’t know if she knew someone down there who gave her a chance or what, but they never complained about her ability to do the job. She promised me that she was making more money acting like a man down at the docks than she would have made as a secretary for some man in an office. I just focused on trying to do my part when I was healthy enough to do so.”

Steve took another steadying breath. A cup of water entered his field of vision and he took it, gulping the contents down thankfully, and placed it back on the table.

“We were getting along just fine. Our apartment could be a little drafty at times, I know it bugged Bucky to no end, but I was happy. We had our place in life, small and unglamorous but it was ours. Sure there were times where I was pissed off that I couldn’t provide for Bucky the way a proper man should, but every time I felt that way Bucky found a way to make me feel better. She was always taking care of me, always. Her family was a little resistant to it at first. Being childhood friends was one thing, to be living together unmarried was another thing entirely. Eventually they came around, but Bucky was always distant from them. Her father wasn’t the best, he had served in the first World War and bore the mental scars from it. Her mother did the best she could with three girls and a husband to feed. Her sisters were all so young, they didn’t have much in common, but Bucky loved them. She loved all of her family. Yet we were inseparable, invincible. Even when we heard about the war going on in Europe, we felt untouchable.

“Then the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor and everyone who had been talking about joining the Germans changed their tune and we joined up with the British. We knew we’d be fine. No one was going to draft a girl and certainly no one was going to question why I never joined up. But there must have been a mix up in an office somewhere and Bucky received a draft letter. I heard from one of the dock workers that a member of the census stopped by at one point and left with a list of names, but who knows if they were even telling the truth.”

Steve picked up the cup, refilled with water, and took a slower drink before placing it back down.

“I was angry at first. I was so angry that Bucky would get called off to war and I couldn’t find anyone to let me so much as pass the first round of the list. But eventually that anger turned to fear. When Bucky went off to basic, I gave her a bottle of my favorite cologne. We couldn’t afford it very often, but I wanted her to have something to remember me by. She used to use it when she went down to the docks for work so the guys wouldn’t tease her for being too ‘girly’. We always figured that she’d come back from basic. That she could fake an injury or something to get discharged and we’d just go straight back to how things were.

“But she excelled at basic and they needed men so badly on the front lines that they sent Bucky’s unit over as soon as they finished. I was at Camp Lehigh by that time. When I found her again, Zola and his scientists had experimented on her. The Commandos are the only ones who knew that Bucky was actually female and they helped me protect her from the rest of the world knowing. I wanted her to go home after I found her and the field doctors gave her the choice to leave. But she just-“

Steve felt his eyes mist over. He could still hear her screams swallowed up by the cold mountain air. They haunted his dreams more often than anything else he had seen. Steve took another moment to collect himself, then continued. This time he spared Dr. Belle a glance. She was listening as intently as she ever had, but her pad and pen were off to the side. She wasn’t taking notes on this. That reassured him more than any words ever could have.

“Bucky said that even though I had a brand spanking new body, I still needed looking after. So she stayed. She stayed and she died.”

Steve stared at his hands. He felt like he had just about run out of words. He couldn’t wrap his mind around what he saw in DC. Could she really have survived that fall? Could he have really failed her that badly?

“Steve.” Steve looked up at Dr. Belle; she was leaning forward. “I have a few questions that I’d like to address. A few of them are merely for my own curiosity but all of them are designed to help you process your thoughts better. Is it alright if I start with my first question?”

Steve nodded, not trusting his ability to talk again just yet.

“First, did you love her.”

“More than anything or anyone else in this world, short of my mother.”

Dr. Belle nodded, “Second, did she love you?”

This time Steve sat up straighter in his seat, “Yes. I have no doubts that she loved me as much as I loved her.”

Dr. Belle nodded again. “Did you force her to stay with you in Europe?”

“No, I would never have done that.”

“Good.” Dr. Belle smiled at him, almost as if she knew that he would have been offended by the question. In fact, he’s almost certain that she asked it solely to get him to stop feeling guilty. “Now for my third question, history books say that you and Peggy Carter had feelings for one another. In fact, Miss Carter herself alluded to the fact that you two probably would have gotten married had you survived the mission for the Tesseract. Would you care to enlighten me on that part of your history?”

Steve’s shoulders slumped. He always hated when people brought up Peggy. Not because he disliked her, but –

“I cared for her. She was the second woman to take an interest in me back when I was scrawny and good for nothing. I guess she saw the same things in me that Bucky saw. Maybe even Dr. Erskine saw them too. But, for all that I cared for Peggy, my heart has always belonged to Bucky.” Steve rubbed his palms together, “I always intended to tell Peggy about Bucky. In fact, her and I had talked about letting Peggy in on the secret right before the train mission. But when Bucky fell, I couldn’t think anymore. I just operated on anger and autopilot. I could have told her then, but what would have been the point? I would have just hurt Peggy and then where would we have been? As far as how history remembers my relationships, no. I never intended on marrying Peggy.”

Dr. Belle just nodded. She never passed judgment on anything he said and he was glad that she didn’t start now.

“Fourth question, what brought this up now? You’ve never mentioned much about Bucky, even when you talked about the Commandos and the rest of your time before the ice. What happened?”

Steve dropped his face into his hands. He sat staring at the floor for about a minute, eyes glazing over.

“Bucky’s alive.”

Steve heard a sharp intake of breath and knew what question was going to be asked next.

“How do you know?”

He felt the familiar sharp pain in his chest that accompanied any thought of how badly he failed Bucky. Even being ready for it, it hurt just as much as ever.

“She was there. She was at the Triskelion in DC.” Steve slowly lifted his head until he was able to look at Dr. Belle and judge her reaction. “Bucky is the Winter Soldier.”

 

Steve waits for Dr. Belle to react, but either she’s trained to keep her emotions off her face or she was too shocked to react at all. He waits though. He doesn’t know where to go from here and he doesn’t want to overload the poor woman any more than he probably already has. So he waits. Eventually Dr. Belle shifts and picks up her notepad again.

“How did you come to know this Steve? I’m not doubting you, but I just want to double check that you’ve thought this through.”

Steve nodded, if this had been anyone else he would have gotten angry. But Dr. Belle constantly challenges him to follow his lines of thought and this should be no different.

“Her mask came off while we were fighting. The second time I saw her, HYDRA didn’t even bother putting the mask on her. I think they wanted me to know that they knew how much we meant to each other and that they were going to use that against me.”

Steve looked at his hands again. They were shaking. He couldn’t figure out if it was from fear, anger, or some combination of the two.

“She didn’t even know me. She didn’t even know her name. She has a metal arm now. I don’t know what they did to her and I’m scared that I won’t be able to find her or help her. All I know is that I’ve got to try.”

Steve blew out the breath he was holding and pulled a file out of his jacket.

“All I have is this file. And from what I can see, she needs me now more than I ever needed her.”

Dr. Belle took a deep breath and looked at Steve, making sure she had his attention.

“So where do you start? And how do I help?”


	2. Chapter 2

It’s been months since Steve had the time to see Dr. Belle. First, he was looking for Bucky, and then when that proved fruitless, he was dealing with Ultron and the mess that Tony started. He never truly stopped looking for Bucky, not entirely, but he eventually realized that he was never going to find her unless she wanted to be found.

Then JARVIS alerted him to a flash of a metal arm first in Brooklyn and then at an apartment in Manhattan and Steve was on his motorcycle flying down the street faster than he probably should have been. What he found in that apartment, who he found, was so far removed from the person he was looking for that at first Steve thought that maybe Sam had been right. Maybe Bucky was no longer the type of person you save, but the kind you stop.

Steve took in the room. First thing he sees is the chair, it took up most of the room along with the computers and wires that were attached to it. Steve’s only seen it once before, in a bank vault in DC. His mouth tasted of copper as he tried to beat down the anger that threatens to take over. Next he sees Bucky in the chair. She’s in a dress with a floral print. It takes him a moment to realize that this is the 21st century because the print is so similar to one that Steve’s Ma gave to Bucky once. This is probably why no one could find her. Tony was looking for a man with a metal arm, not a woman.  Steve tried to speak with Bucky, to get her to talk back, but she’s speaking Russian. When she switched to German, Steve’s heart breaks. She asks him to recalibrate her and it’s all Steve can do from setting the place on fire. He tries to reason with her, to get her to remember. To get out of that damn chair. The next thing he knows is that he’s on the floor, straddled by his lifelong love that he has no idea whether she’s going to kill him or disappear.

And then Bucky was dragging him up off the floor and following him out the door. Natasha apparently got the same message that he did, because she was waiting outside the door with a tranquilizer. Steve barely registered what happened as he caught the now limp body of Bucky. He glared at Natasha, his entire body projected protectiveness and the threat of violence if she tried to interfere any further.

“I could have handled it. You didn’t need to tranq her. Now how are we going to get her back to the Tower?”

Natasha regarded him coolly. Her facial expressions guarded and calculated as always.

“You would have gotten yourself killed. Now we can get her back safely in the back of my car instead of on the back of your bike. Hurry up; I want to have her in the holding room before he wakes up.”

“How did you know?”

“I told you I have a history with the Winter Soldier. I’ll tell you the rest later, but for now, we need to keep the fact that _he_ is a _she_ a secret. You okay with that?”

“More than you know. And you’re right. You are going to tell me the rest of that story.” Steve continued to glare at Natasha. “How are we going to keep her gender secret?”

“I’m going to put her into some drab, loose sweats and you’re going to follow me back on your motorcycle.”

Steve followed Natasha, not because he couldn’t do it on his own but because deep down he knew she was right. The ride back to the Tower is tense. Steve follows Natasha’s car on his motorcycle. Sure, he could have gone back for it, but he figured it would be safer for Natasha if he had a chance to cool down before they had to interact again. Besides, this way if she tried to do something outside of the plan, he could follow.

Getting Bucky into the holding cell underneath the Tower was relatively easy. Leaving her in there by herself was not. Natasha dragged him out of the room and sealed it shut before pointing to a door next to them and walking off. Steve walked through the door and sat down in a chair that was placed in front of a console and screen. Steve had a perfect view of Bucky’s room and he found the button that would allow him to speak with her when she woke up. Steve settled in for a long wait.

Sam walked in shortly after. He stood behind Steve, silent for a few moments, and then he placed a hand on Steve’s shoulder.

“So this is the Winter Soldier. It’s weird seeing him when he’s not trying to kill me. You sure this is a good idea, Steve?”

Steve thought that over for a moment. He valued Sam’s friendship more than anything else in this new century. He almost told him everything right then and there, but Steve didn’t want anyone else to find out. Not yet.

“I’m positive. This is the least I owe Bucky. I meant it when I said that even when I had nothing I had Bucky. The least I can do is return the favor.”

Sam tightened his grip on Steve’s shoulder then turned to the door.

“Call if you need anything. I’ll have JARVIS send someone with some food. I’ll be out on some Avengers stuff if you need me for anything.”

Steve waved a hand at Sam and continued his watch. He couldn’t miss the moment that Bucky woke up. He wouldn’t let her wake up alone.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Steve was munching on some chips that came with the sandwich someone dropped off for him. Clint had dropped by for a few moments, mostly to see what Bucky looked like. Right now Bruce is with him. They’re having a soft conversation about memory loss and the repercussions that could accompany the type of electric reconditioning that HYDRA used on Bucky. He almost missed it, but when Bucky sat up, Steve’s heart stopped.

“Bucky? Can you give any indication that you understand me?”

Steve’s heart is in his throat as he waits for any indication. Anything that could mean that Bucky is in there. He almost gives up when he sees Bucky nod. He releases a breath he didn’t realize he was holding and then he shoots out of his chair. Bruce doesn’t move or if he does, Steve doesn’t see it. Steve’s world has narrowed down to the woman in the cell that he’s trying to reach.

 “Oh thank- Bucky I’m going to come in there. But I need you to stay where you are. Can you do that for me?”

When she nods again, Steve is out of the room. Bruce calls to him, but Steve ignores him. Steve stops in front of the door that leads to her cell. He takes a few deep breaths. Steadies himself. And then he’s walking through the door and moving to sit at the table that was placed in the room for exactly this purpose. Steve waits until Bucky’s eyes open. He’s dismayed at the lack of recognition there. Still, he hopes.

“Hey Buck. Do you remember me?”

Bucky speaks in Russian. It’s one of the few words that Steve recognizes. One of the easy ones. Still, the use of the foreign language makes him cringe. Bucky switches to German and Steve has a flashback to the apartment that he found her in just a few hours ago. While they both knew a little German from the War, they tried not to use it too much with each other. Tried to keep their native Brooklyn as close as possible, even if it meant simply speaking in English while surrounded by Germans.

Steve feels a pang of loss.

“Have they taken that from you too?”

When there’s no answer to his mostly rhetorical question, he tries something else. Something, anything to see if the Bucky he used to know is still there.

“Do you know how long you’ve been alive?”

The voice that answers him is so much like the voice that’s been haunting his dreams and nightmares and yet so different. The voice that answers him is rough, scratchy. The voice brings to mind steel that’s rusted from sitting in the rain for too long. Steve realizes that HYDRA probably had no use for a weapon that spoke.

But Bucky surprises Steve. She can tell him exactly how long it’s been since the Triskelion and she confirmed something that he had surmised, even if the other Avengers thought he just pulled himself out and forgot about it. It gives Steve the hope that Bucky remembers a lot more, and that she remembers at the very least that she knows Steve. That she would never want to hurt him.

He looks at the wall he knows the screen lays. He hopes Bruce is still in there. Steve turns back to Bucky and asks her to wait. Steve finds that Bruce is indeed still there and that Tony is there as well. They briefly talk about what Bucky’s admission of her ( _his_ to everyone else. No one needs to know. Not until he can ask Bucky about it) concept of time and memory. Bruce and Tony are having a ScienceBrostm moment. Steve learned that term from the internet, something he browses quite frequently despite Tony’s insistence that he knows nothing about tech.

“But Bruce, think of all the advance we could make in prosthetics! Just let look at a model at the very least! JARVIS could get a scan at the same he gets your scan for the brain stuff. Honestly, don’t be selfish!”

Bruce lets out a deep sigh as he placed thumb and forefinger on the bridge of his nose.

“Tony. I’m not that type of doctor. The scans aren’t for me. I have a friend that is going to look at them and tell me what can be done, anonymously and without the knowledge of who the patient is. You just want a look at tech that is more advanced than what you’ve come up with.”

Tony sticks out his bottom lip and tries his best “pouting” face. Bruce let out yet another sigh, Steve was pretty sure that they could use all of the sighs that Bruce lets out around Tony to power all of New York City for a year. Bruce lets out one more sigh and Steve ups that estimate to two to three years.

“No Tony. Not until we can get consent from him. Right now, our focus is on whether or not we can help him regain at least some of his memory. Now please, let me work?”

“Fine. Steve, could you be a dear and go ask our resident assassin if he’d consent to a scan?”

Steve enters Bucky’s room again and sits in the same chair he was just in. He asks Bucky if she’d consent to some scans. He tries to explain what exactly would happen and he’s surprised when Bucky admits that she knows about technology. He goes to tell Bruce and is surprised when Tony isn’t there anymore. Bruce motions for Steve to sit as he messes with some controls on the console.

Steve watches as JARVIS lights up a scan of Bucky’s brain activity as she moves from the cot to the chair and then back again. Bruce opens his mouth to say something but then closes it again.

“Steve, the scans are done. You can take in a tray of food. He probably can’t handle solids right now so there’s some applesauce. HYDRA wouldn’t have given him much food because of the cryofreeze process. But it couldn’t hurt to try. I wouldn’t stay in there too long. We still don’t know what’s going on in that brain. Just that it’s extremely active and seems to be attempting to repair itself already.”

Steve nodded, grabbed the tray, and headed back into the room with Bucky. He starts talking. He’s not even sure what he’s talking about or for. He knows that he wants Bucky to know that he never gave on looking for her. Eventually he notices that Bucky isn’t touching the food after an initial bite of the bread. He decides that it’s been enough for today. They both need a break. Bucky looks like she hasn’t slept in weeks. So he collects the tray and leaves.

Bruce meets him in the hallway.

“I had a cot put in the control room. You can stay there if you’d like, but I suggest trying to get some actual sleep for once. JARVIS will alert you if anything in that room changes.”

Bruce claps a hand on his shoulder and Steve sees a depth of understanding in the man’s eyes that he wasn’t expecting.

“Remember, sleep. It’s doctor’s orders.”

Bruce winks at Steve then walks towards the elevator.


	3. Chapter 3

Steve spends the next few weeks going in and out of Bucky’s room (he refuses to call it a cell). Bruce cautions him to stay away from any topic that could cause false memories. So he sticks to things that Bucky wouldn’t have known. He talks about Ultron. He talks about his life outside of SHIELD, limited as it is. He talks about the weather. He talks about sports. Every time he goes into the room with Bucky, someone else is in the control room. Sometimes it’s Natasha, others it’s Clint or Sam, but most times it’s Bruce. Bruce sits with his laptop, the brain scans, and a Skype session with his scientist friend who’s trying to figure out what they can do to assist the brain in question on its path to healing.

Then the Avengers are called to some crisis too big for the normal authorities to respond to. Steve goes and he gets injured in the process of destroying the remote that controls the deathbots that are destroying some city in Jersey. He takes a few days to heal, a few days that Steve lives in fear that Bucky has forgotten him again. Tony promised to watch Bucky while he was gone, but knowing Tony, he probably did a horrible job. Human interaction calls for care and circumspect, neither of which are Tony’s strong points.

So this time, this time Steve goes in the room alone. All the others are either resting or busy dealing with paperwork. Steve takes the shake that Tony assured him was safe for consumption (“Honestly Steve, do you think I’d poison the poor guy? Don’t answer that. I drink it myself. Honest. Helps stave off palladium poisoning and great for getting nutrients that one normally doesn’t get otherwise. Scouts honor!”) and waits for Bucky to wake up.

When Bucky answers him in Russian, he knows that he made a mistake. One that he’s not sure he’ll be able to make again. Bucky seems to be searching for something. The look on her face is similar to the one she wore when they met on the helicarriers above the Potomac. Steve readies himself for a fight that he knows he can’t finish.

“English.”

Steve’s knowledge that he fucked up is shored up when Bucky asks for a code. One that he’s unable to give. He shifts to start moving toward the door and he’s met with the full force of Bucky’s body as it launches across the table. Steve tries to keep his body loose, but realizes he’s going to lose this battle. Bucky has him in a cross-body chokehold and she’s using her metal arm. Steve takes stock of the room and tries to think of how long it’ll take anyone to realize he’s missing from the infirmary. Too long. That’s how long it’ll take.

“Where reinforcements?”

The words are hissed at him and he’s met with the image of a snake coiled and ready to strike. When the arm across his throat tightens, he finds that air is increasingly hard to get a hold of.

“There’s no one else coming. It’s just you and me.” Steve tries to think of anything that the Soldier would remember. Anything that could jog her memory and bring Bucky back. “Neither HYDRA nor S.H.E.I.L.D. exist anymore.”

Bucky tenses at his back and Steve prepares himself for whatever is going to happen next.

“You’re my mission.”

Steve’s blood runs cold. He remembers that from the helicarrier right before he lost consciousness.

“Who are you?”

“Steve. My name is Steve Rogers. You know me.” Steve prays that this breaks through to Bucky. That this, this at least causes the arm at his throat to loosen. “Your name is Jane Burdette Barnes. You hated your name so we always called you Bucky.”

A noise floats past his ear before he’s thrown bodily against a wall. He only has a millisecond to catch his breath before the metal arm is being pressed into his throat again. He’s relieved when he can still breathe past the pressure, albeit the act is harder than it should be.

“Liar. No past.” Bucky bares her teeth at Steve and he finally has a glimpse into how all those bullies must have felt whenever she came to his rescue. He feels better being on the other side of that expression. “No name. Weapon.”

Steve feels nothing but sadness. It’s a sensation that he’s become accustomed to feeling, but the depth of it is threatening to engulf him now.

“You aren’t a weapon. They-“ Steve has to pause as the pressure increases on his throat. “They tried to take it away from you. But you fought them. You made it back.” Steve moves into wall as much as he can. “Please.”

He’s not sure what he’s asking for but when Bucky snarls at him again and completely cuts off his air, he knows he’s asking to be able to breathe again. He hasn’t felt this sensation since he was injected with Erskine’s serum. It’s a feeling he hasn’t missed.

Bucky screams at him. Something he said must have resonated somewhere because her speech breaks down. She switches from Russian to English, seemingly having trouble keeping track of what language she’s speaking. She seems to have trouble constructing words altogether. And then her fist collides with the wall next to Steve’s head. His attempts to lessen the pressure against his throat redouble, and this time he finds purchase. He gets in a few breaths before she realizes that she wasn’t cutting off his ability to speak.

“No, I was good. I did as I was told. _They_ broke me.” Bucky whines. A noise that he never wanted to hear come from her and one he wishes will never happen again. Her eyes gain a clarity that wasn’t there previously and tears start to build up. Steve wishes he could wipe them away, but he’s afraid that any movement from him will break whatever seems to have happened.

“They _broke_ me, Steve.”

If Steve thought his heart had broken prior to this, in this moment he realizes that he was wrong. Bucky looks at him and he can see the ghosts threatening to consume her. He can see that she’s seeing horrors that he can only imagine, probably can’t even imagine, and that she’s reliving something. And then her arm nearly drops from his throat. He takes a few moments to catch up on the oxygen that he missed before he gently pushes the arm fully away from his throat.

“Bucky, you broke the programing once, you can do it again. Fight it Buck. You’re stronger than anything they could have done to you.”

The metal arm fists his shirt, a much more preferable position than where it previously was. Steve still finds that he wishes it was at her side instead though. She’s no longer staring at him and Steve is a little ashamed that he’s glad for it.

“I am broken.”

The words are so soft that Steve’s not quite sure that he actually heard them. He lets out a sound that is similar to the whine that Bucky made herself not too long ago. He regrets it immediately as she snaps her gaze back onto him.

“I failed you. I tried to be strong. I swear I did. But they broke me and now. Now I don’t know if I can make it.”

Steve’s eyes fill with the tears that have been threatening to fall from Bucky’s eyes and he guides them both to the floor as Bucky’s knees give out on her. He listens as she tells him that she can never be the person that she once was, as she tells him that she’s not as strong as him, and he finds himself in awe that she could even feel that way. He moves some of the hair that fell into her face and tucks it behind one of her ears.

“Bucky, _Jane_ , you already are her.” Steve knows that in this moment, if he does this right, that he’ll have her back. Maybe not the same Bucky that he grew up with or the same Bucky that he would have had after the War. But he’d have her. And Steve would be okay with whatever version of Bucky he got as long as they could be together.

“Please, don’t give up now. Not when we’re finally together again.”

And the tears fall from both of their eyes. There’s a release of the tension that had built up in the room. And when Bucky curls into him, seeking comfort there, he knows he did this one thing right. So he continues, murmuring the things that he knows she’d want to hear. The things that he knows to be a truth now that they’ve found each other in this bright new world.

“They’ll have to go through me to get to you.”

Steve tightens his arms around Bucky and he can feel her fight him for a moment before she melts into him completely. He knows that they both know that he means that promise. That he would die before he let HYDRA or anyone else take her away from him.

“You’re safe.”

He repeats the words, more like the prayers that he used to say before the War, before the serum, before any of this when they were just two kids in Brooklyn. Steve wonders if she’ll ever believe him. Steve wonders if he’ll ever believe himself.

“Where were you?”

The question comes suddenly and whispered but it cuts him straight to his soul. For a moment, Steve forgets how to breathe and he wonders if his asthma has returned from the shock. Then he gathers his guilt, his shame, and he speaks the words that he has longed to be rid of since he woke up in this century.

“After you fell, I tried to convince them to let me go back and look for you. They said that the fall was too far, you were gone, and there was no way you could have survived.” Steve can feel the tears renew themselves. He recounts how he spiraled into his own ruin as he defeated the Red Skull and then woke up in the new world without hope. Without purpose. “If I had known – if I hadn’t of _listened_ to them… I _could_ have found you. _I could have saved you._ ”

Steve lets himself break. Lets himself cry and let go of all the pent up guilt and anger. Then Bucky is touching him and trying to console him and for a moment he’s back in the 40s in their apartment.

“Steve, I know you tried. Till the end of the line, right?”

And whatever was left unbroken breaks. There is nothing left for him to hold onto and so he holds on to Bucky. ( _Even when he had nothing, he had Bucky_ ) He curls into Bucky, cradling her in his lap, and she reaches up for him and touches him. She wipes his face and all he can do is hold onto her like the bulwark she is to him. When he opens his eyes, he finds her staring at his lips. Steve wonders if she wants him just as much as he wants her. If she still wants that part of their relationship. And then he’s chastising himself for even contemplating rushing her into something that he has no right to. But when she kisses him, it’s as if the world gained back its color. He’s careful not to push the kiss any further than what Bucky dictates, but he still loses himself in her.

When they finally pull apart, Steve makes sure to keep some line of contact. He rests his forehead on hers and it is enough. They are enough. Steve cannot think of anything he would ever want more than what they have here, right now. He thinks about wiping away the tears that continue to fall from Bucky’s eyes when movement catches his attention. Steve can feel his body stiffen as he realizes that _Stark_ , of all people stands in the doorway watching them. Bucky pulls away from him and Steve morns that loss more deeply than he wants to right now. The anger resurfaces and Steve knows exactly where he’s going to expend some of that energy.

“If I’d known I had a chance, I would have gone after you myself.”

Tony looks smug, but he always looks that way. Steve spares a glance at Bucky, laying on her cot with her back turned to the room, as he gets up off the floor.

“Tony.”

Steve can see Tony’s eyes widen as he stalks towards him, pushing him out of the room. JARVIS closes the door behind them and locks it in place. Steve shoves Tony against the nearest wall and brings him up to eye height. Steve keeps him there for a moment before speaking. Regardless of how angry he is at being interrupted, Steve doesn’t actually want to cause Tony physical harm.

“How much did you see.”

“Cap,” Tony swallows before continuing.

“ _Cap_ ,” Steve tightens his hands in Tony’s shirt.

“Steve?” Steve loosens his hands, he still can’t stand when people only refer to him as Captain America.

“Alright, Steve it is.” Steve hardens his glare. “S-steve, I promise I didn’t see much. JARVIS alerted me to you being in a potentially dangerous situation and I came down as fast as I could. All I saw was a kiss. I mean, that’s all I needed to see to get all hot and bothered myself, but if you’re worried about me seeing anything else then no such luck for me.”

Steve held him there for a few more moments.

“Uh, you gonna put me down anytime soon or am I going to have to get JARVIS call us a referee?” Tony waved a hand towards the ceiling.

Steve stares at Tony for a moment longer before abruptly dropping him to the floor and walking to the elevator. Steve stops a moment before he hits the button to call the elevator to him.

“You once said that you don’t trust a man without a dark side.” Steve turned to look Tony in the eye, hitting the call button at the same time. “Well here’s mine: Bucky. Bucky is my dark side. I will do anything to keep Bucky safe.”

He ignores Tony’s shouts and takes the elevator up to the gym. He’s not surprised when the doors open and he sees Natasha waiting for him. They don’t exchange any words as Steve wraps his hands in preparation. He meets her on the mat in the center of the room and takes a boxer stance. Natasha rushes him and he reacts. They spar for a few minutes before she speaks.

“So, I heard that Tony interrupted your love nest.”

Steve grunts as he blocks a kick aimed towards his head.

“Something like that.”

Natasha circles him and he turns to follow. When she feints a punch to his right and he falls for it, she kicks him in his ribs.

“Did you really have to throw him against a wall?”

Steve rubs the left side of his rib cage and blocks a punch aimed toward right side.

“No.”

Natasha climbs him like a tree and puts him in a light chokehold, one she knows he can get out of if he wants to continue.

“But it felt good.”

Steve breaks out and slams her on the mat, a little harder than normal. For a moment, he regrets the excessive force, but then Natasha pulls a new move and takes his feet right out from under him and he falls on the ground with a grunt.

“Yeah, it felt good.”

Natasha stands and extends a hand towards him.

“Next time just tell him to bring it to the mat.”

Steve accepts the offered hand and they reset.

“I’ll try to remember that next time.”

They spar like that for the next few hours. Sam, Clint, and Bruce come in to watch for a few moments. Sam and Clint go in for a round each but they eventually leave when they realize that Steve isn’t pulling punches like he normally does. When they finish, Steve goes back to his floor to shower and sleep. He mulls over what happened and he hopes that he doesn’t have to ever repeat today.

Steve follows his normal routine the next morning. He gets up at the ass crack of dawn, eats breakfast in his personal kitchen, runs around Sam in the park (On your left will never, ever, not be funny. Steve doesn't care what Sam says, he knows Sam still finds it funny too), then returns to the Tower for an early lunch with Sam and whoever else happens to be in the common room’s kitchen that day.

Today, it’s Bruce and Thor. Steve listens as Bruce and Thor pitch him an idea. Steve’s skeptical. He doesn’t like the idea of magic (“It’s just higher science that we don’t understand yet!” screams Tony from another room) but he can’t deny that the Asgardians have some technology and gadgets that might be useful. Thor wants to see if the healers back on Asgard can help Bucky heal, if not regain some memories. As they’re talking about the possibilities available to them, the rest of the team files in.

Natasha merely shrugged when he asked her opinion, Sam brought up the very good point that this is better than any other option that they have here on Earth, Clint whooped at the idea of going to an alien city, and Bruce just nodded sagely, stating that while he can’t make the decision for Bucky, this could be his (Her. Oh how Steve wishes they didn’t have to continue hiding, even in this century it feels like too big a chance to risk) best chance to regain stability and memories. Steve and Tony aren’t talking since Tony doesn’t want to “tempt another outburst.” Steve thinks that’s the best idea that Tony’s come up with in a long time.

Eventually they send Steve in to talk to Bucky about taking him ( _her_ ) to Asgard for a brain scan and potential healing. The first thing Steve does is apologize for Tony behavior. Bucky doesn’t seem to care and even says so. But when she says that she’ll _defer_ to him, Steve feels like he has the filth of HYDRA oozing over him.

“I don’t want you to _defer_ to me. I want you to make your own decisions, Buck.”

Steve can feel the disdain when he says the word. He can’t imagine Bucky ever just going along with whatever he decided. Even when they were running around the alleys of Brooklyn, Bucky would question why Steve made any decision. Not because she didn’t trust him, she just wanted him to be sure. There were plenty of times that she got them out of a scrape because she asked him to rethink his thinking.

“I reserve my opinion on them then.”

Steve relaxes and then turns his thoughts onto how to best bring up the subject of Asgard and just like normal, Bucky beats him to the punch.

“Was there a reason for your visit today or…?”

“Thor wants to take you to Asgard so his medical team can try to heal the damage done to your body, specifically your brain and memory.” Steve watches Bucky’s face for any hint of her reaction. “It’s your choice.”

Bucky stills. Steve can tell that she’s having an internal debate but he can’t tell which side is winning. Steve stays silent, not wanting to interrupt her thoughts. He waits for about a minute before she hits him with a question.

“Would I be allowed to leave if I said yes?”

Steve recoils a bit. He realizes that this does seem like a prison and that she probably expects them to keep her in here until she dies or they find a “better use” for her. Steve wants to throw up at the realization. Instead, he promises.

“Of course. You'd be allowed to leave even if you said no. You’re not a prisoner, we just want to make sure that you’re not going to…”

“Kill anyone else?”

Steve bristles at the implication, but he knows that if he were in Bucky’s shoes, he’d be thinking the same thing.

“No, that’s not what I was going to say at all. We want to make sure that you won’t pose a danger to yourself. I left for three days and you reverted back so far that I wasn’t sure we could get you back. Bucky, we just want to be sure that you’re _you_. _I_ just want to make sure you know who you are.”

Steve waits. It seems like that’s all he does now, wait for the next thing to react to.

“But what if she’s not in here anymore?”

Steve remembers a conversation that he had briefly with Sam. Sam just wanted Steve to be ready for any possibility and in any other circumstance Steve would have admitted that Sam was probably right. But he refuses to believe that Bucky can be completely gone. He doesn’t care if she’s different than how she was before the War. He loved her even after he found her at Azzano. He loved her even when she was more scared than the brave woman he was accustomed to. He’ll find a way to love this version too. It wouldn’t even be that hard. Bucky was Bucky was Bucky in Steve’s books. Hell, he wasn’t the same small kid from Brooklyn anymore. He wasn’t even sure he was still the same man that fought in the War.

“I’ll leave you to think it over. I wasn’t actually expecting an answer right away.” Steve stands and turns to leave. “I’ll stand by you, regardless of your decision.”

“I’ll do it.”

Steve turns around, for a moment not even sure that he heard the words correctly.

“I’ll do it. On one condition.”

Steve tries not to let too much of his emotions show on his face. He knows it’s hopeless, Bucky has always been able to read him like an open book, but he tries nonetheless.

“What’s your condition?”

“You."

Steve's head goes fuzzy.

"I won’t go unless you’re there with me.”

For a moment, Steve’s heart stops. He’s not sure if he’s dreaming or not. Yesterday was confirmation enough that Bucky still had feelings for him. Yet he was still expecting some sort of rejection. He’s about to respond, to let her know that he wouldn’t let her go through anything alone, not unless she wanted him to leave, when Tony comes striding in through the door.

“See, what did I tell ya Stevie boy?” Tony struts into the room, completely oblivious to the still mending assassin on his right and the fuming super soldier on his left. “Now, all we need to do is let Hammerbro know that he’s got a date for when he returns to Asgard.”

Steve knows he’s glaring daggers at Tony. Steve knows that he should probably not let his temporary distaste for his teammate show in front of Bucky. Steve knows that Tony is looking for a reaction and doesn’t really care what type, as long as he gets one. Steve knows and yet he can’t help himself. Steve also wonders where their tenuous truce went. But when Bucky jokes, asking if they really have to take Tony with them, Steve barely manages not to laugh out loud. Steve searches for the words to respond, glad for the language that they share that Tony does not. Steve walks toward Tony and stops an arm length away.

“Was there a reason for your visit or did you come to poke the tiger a bit more?”

Steve can see the flash of concern before Tony settles into his armor of humor.

“No, no. I’m not going to try that again. I just wanted to let you know that Thor’s going to be excited.”

Tony leaves as abruptly as he appeared and Steve turns to look at Bucky. He considers the pros and cons of introducing JARVIS now and decides that now is as good a time as any.

“JARVIS, please lock Tony out of this room until he comes back with Thor.”

“As you wish, Captain Rogers.”

Steve relaxes at the familiar sound of JARVIS’ disembodied voice but instantly tenses again as Bucky freaks out. She starts speaking Russian and he’s terrified that he made a wrong decision before she switches back to German. Steve placates Bucky, urging her to calm down.

“Bucky, it’s okay. JARVIS is only a computer program. I promise there is no one else here. It’s just you and me. No more surprises. Are you still with me?”

Steve moves so that he can block any attempt of physical harm but he stays still. He waits until Bucky completes her survey of the room. He’s not surprised that she knows exactly where the cameras are in the room. She even spotted a few that he didn’t even know were there until she looked at them.

“Let’s sit down while we wait.”

Steve explains JARVIS and he can see Bucky relax more and more and he tells her about the AI. They don’t wait for very long before JARVIS announces that Thor is waiting for them on the other side of the door. Steve takes the hand that Bucky stretches out towards him and they both go to the door.

It opens and Thor is immediately in the room engulfing him in a hug. Steve squeezes Bucky’s hand when he notices that she’s stiffened. Steve returns Thor’s hug as best he can while trying to send comforting energy towards Bucky.

“Are you ready, my new friend?”

Steve speaks for them both. It’s still odd being the one to talk for both of them; usually Bucky handled most of the talking seeing as Steve usually ended up in a fight when he started one. Steve can tell that Bucky is cataloging everything they pass and he briefly hopes that she’s not planning anything that could cause harm to the rest of the team. Thor continues to talk about the wonders of Asgard as the ride the elevator up to the roof. Steve idly wonders if Tony found a way to make the elevator go faster than usual yet counter the effects of that speed because they reach the roof in the same amount of time as they would have if they had left from his floor.

Steve tries to reassure Bucky as Thor calls to Heimdall. He can tell by the look on her face that she thinks the large blond is crazy. But before he can say anything, the skies open up with a rainbow. Steve idly thinks that this is when Tony would make a comment about Thor being a ray of sunshine or about rays of something coming out of somewhere and how everyone, including him, would laugh at it.


End file.
